The 8º NKOTB cruise is about to set sail and – whether you’re going to be on it or not –  there are some myths I need to talk about.

First of all: I apologize in advance for the inside ‘little-pearls’- as we say in Argentina – that only a Blockhead, New Kid or Block Nation related member can understand (I can’t say inside ‘joke’, because I suck at telling jokes… I ruin them, crush them with the same indifference I kill a cockroach … in a four star hotel!) So, I’m sorry, but I need to address this matter… (You know I’m all about ‘sharing the science, sharing what we’ve learned in life…)

That being said… During the past years, I came across with some myths – on Twitter and Facebook – about the NKOTB cruise, questions that non-cruisers have asked or things they’ve said. Having lost my cruise-virginity three cruises ago, I believe I’m in title to reveal the truth about them.

Disclaimer: By reading about the following myths, you agree that if you are Blockhead, a New Kid or Block Nation related member, you’ll probably experience some of your neurons desperately trying to explode. It’s up to you.

1) Girls onboard an NKOTB cruise are hoes

Oh sweetie… YES-WE-ARE.

Since it’s all about getting laid with –at least- one of the New Kids, to be an experienced hoe guarantee you the O-face you’ve been waiting for. Keeping the concentration is important, especially when you have thousands of dolphins swimming around you (Dolphins go crazy when they hear ‘The Whisper’)

In fact, checking the ‘early or late dinner’ box, when you’re booking, won’t necessarily put you in line to feed your stomach sooner or later. It’s all about: who ‘fills in the blank’ (actually, ‘gets filled’) sooner… or later…

It’s all carefully planned. As you can imagine, to organize this main event with more than 3000 women and five men, is not an easy task. Jon’s security is specially taken care off; it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a hug from that man.

I recommend early dinner.

And on a personal note: To that one who said we are hoes: We forgive you, because we are Blockheads… and that’s what we do… We spread love… getting laid, with NKOTB, on a boat!

2) I’m cruising: Am I going to see the New Kids ALL the time?

NO.

Actually, who walks around the boat – taking endless selfies and giving countless hugs – is Menudo, trying to get back to the spotlight (They’re still crying for Ricky Martin’s departure)

3) 5000 dollars for a cabin? 1000 for the Meet & Greet?

5000 dollars for cabin… I mean… really? No, sweetie! We need to EAT during the rest of the 301 days of the year (We stop eating two months before the cruise).
For real: you can buy your spot from U$S 699. Check the official page, please, at nkotbcruise.com

What it is true – and they don’t tell you – is the amount of 1000 dollars for the Meet And Greet. Yeah… But it’s for a good cause! Every year is different: last cruise, for example, they destined all the money raised to build the “Jon’s sweet shelters for cats around the world”.

Jon loves cats; he absolutely adores them!!!… I mean, who on earth doesn’t love cats?

5. People use drugs at the After Parties

Fact!

Drugs are disguised in green shamrock shaped candies. When you eat them, the music sounds awesome, you feel you can hit Jordan’s falsetto, and you can see Biscuit dancing ‘Treat me right’.

Heavenly … Heavenly experience!

6. You have to be pretty to get into an After Party

Fact!

In your cabin, you’ll find the invitation with a waiver release (for instance, in case Jordan can’t make you sing O’face, etc.). In this document, you’ll also be asked about your measurements.

#CruiseControl is not about #LivingHealthy… ok?

Ok…

7. Jon kissed a girl (or two) on a cruise (or two) because he is not really REALLY gay

Truth.

BlockHeads know he’s 95% gay.

‘95%’…

(#KillMeNow)

8. NKOTB pays only attention to their closest BH friends

Truth! Of course! But there some tricks you can pull off.

You have to keep in mind that they’re stars. New Kids On The Block? No more: They are the Renewed Hottest Men On Earth (RHMOE… Yeah, try to pronounce it… Not good for marketing. That’s why they don’t use their new name)

So, feed their ego. They are not humble, not-at-all… So you saw Jordan flying coach? That was staged, girl! You see them working for great causes? ‘Taxes, girl. Taxes’

How can you feed their egos? Here are some examples you can tell them:

To DDub:
‘Donnie, what a marshmallow you have there!’
(Show him how classy you are);

To Jordan:
‘J, great falsetto! You must be Britney Spears’ biggest fan’
(This shows how much you know about him and music);

To Danny:
‘Man, these turkey burgers are awesome!! Did you consider adding some French fries and high fat mayonnaise?
(This shows you know all about his cooking)

To Joey:
Put your self on ‘selfie mode’ in front of him and do nothing; nothing. He’ll ask you for a selfie; you’ll say ‘yes’, you’ll have your picture taken and then you’ll add ‘Now get the f*ck out of here!’…
Rings a bell? He’ll know that you appreciate his words of wisdom 😉

To Jon:
‘Oh Jon! I would love to kiss you and make sweet sweat love to you, on a horse!’
(This will show him that you know about him being 95% gay and his love for horses… whom he doesn’t love as much as he loves cats, BTW)

If you can pull these off, you’ll also get:

  • from Donnie, the 9th season of Blue Bloods in 5D Blue Ray;
  • from Jordan, a “tink” in every language, every morning;
  • from Jon, a date to watch all of the The Amazing Race seasons, via Skype.
  • from Danny, a liposuction for free! Work out and diet? Hell no!
  • from Joey, a follow on twitter! for 24 hours… No, sorry, ’23’

8. And OMG! Oh-My-God… The New Kids take girls to their cabins… Even the married ones!

OMG! Myth!

Not true.

Not true at-all.

The f*cking is open doors … at Lido Deck.

bryan cranston drops mic

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